Noooooo!
by katriel1987
Summary: Jack O'Neill's greatest fear comes true.
1. Noooooo! Part One

**title:** Noooooo!

**summary:** Jack O'Neill's greatest fear comes true.

**disclaimer:** Not mine; not getting paid; I'm just playing with them.

**notes:** This is making fun of the more ridiculous "Mary Sue" stories out there. It's all in fun and I don't intend to offend anyone. I hope you all enjoy it. It's just a ridiculous little piece that came to me at 1 AM.

* * *

Colonel Jack O'Neill hated paperwork.

His job for today was to review the file of one Captain Davis, who was up for transfer to the SGC. The file was thick; this Captain Davis must have had quite a career, Jack thought as he opened the folder.

Jack's suspicions began as he read Captain Davis' qualifications. She (for, as he soon discovered, Captain Davis was female) had a black belt in karate, had received the highest scores for marksmanship in recorded history, had extensive medical training, spoke 33 languages fluently (including Goa'uld, which she had learned in 3 days), had doctorates in both astrophysics and archaeology, and could pilot virtually anything.

His suspicion changed to a horrible sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he read on, noting the glowing handwritten recommendations from the USAF Chief of Staff, all the world's top scientists and archaeologists, Mother Teresa (who had come down from Heaven specifically to write her recommendation), the archangel Michael (who had accompanied Mother Teresa), and last but not least, the President of the United States.

Jack's hands began to shake and beads of sweat popped out on his forehead. This tough Air Force Colonel, who had always remained unbroken under torture and duress, was terrified out of his wits.

Hearing a sound behind him, Jack whirled to see that a young woman had miraculously appeared in the room. She was tall but not too tall, with a perfect figure—slender but very curved in all the right places, and muscular, in keeping with her superb fighting skills, but of course not _overly_ muscular.

She had impossibly shiny chestnut hair that wafted gently around her face in a phantom breeze. Her eyes were very large, almost silver in color, and her eyelashes so long they created a breeze of their own every time she blinked. Her features were perfect and her peach-colored complexion was utterly flawless. She was the most stunningly beautiful five-foot-eight package of perfection, clad in a flowing silver dress that glowed with a light all its own and matched her eyes, that Jack O'Neill had ever seen.

He screamed.

"Noooooooooooooooo!"

She looked innocently confused, the expression on her face so appealing that every SF on the base, General Hammond, Teal'c, the Vice President, several serial killers, three battle worn Jaffa, Apophis, nineteen stray dogs, and a Goa'uld symbiote without a host all rushed to her side, willing to die in her service. She ignored them all, focusing her attention on Colonel O'Neill.

Being a gentle, understanding, sympathetic, friendly, loving, strong, warm, appealing, wonderful, nurturing person, Captain Davis was quite taken aback by Colonel O'Neill's reaction to her presence.

"Is something wrong, sir?" She asked politely in a voice that was soft but still carried so well that four Asgard an entire galaxy away swooned at the sound of it. "I'm reporting for duty, sir. You no longer need to review my file; my transfer was authorized by express order from the President, and God. In fact, I'll be joining SG-1 on your next mission. I'm Captain Mary Sue Davis." She extended her beautiful, perfectly manicured, slender hand in greeting, not seeming to notice that her new CO was cringing away and practicing Zen theology by attempting to make himself one with the wall.

"Nooooo!" O'Neill shrieked again, like a terrified child. Spotting his opportunity, he bolted through the door, still screaming bloody murder.

Needless to say, the following scene was the topic of much conversation at the SGC in the following weeks:

Colonel Jack O'Neill, battle scarred warrior, running down the hall sobbing (pursued by a beautiful, gentle, intelligent, concerned woman who was running so gracefully she was almost floating), and screaming almost incoherently, "Turn me over to a Goa'uld...hell, put one in my head...feed me to a tiger...smother me in raw sewage...burn me alive..._but keep that damned Mary Sue away from me!"_


	2. Noooooo! Part Two

**notes:** Okay, I couldn't help it—I had to continue the Mary Sue story. I couldn't just let our poor Jack be endlessly pursued down the halls of the SGC! Major insanity warning for this—it doesn't even make sense to _me_. Minor spoilers for _Foothold_, _Full Circle_, and _Crystal Skull_. Enjoy!

* * *

"Colonel O'Neill," Captain Mary Sue Davis said patiently (because being such a calm, understanding, gentle person, Mary Sue was not capable of impatience), "I don't think you understand how this is supposed to work."

"Oh, I understand all right," Colonel Jack O'Neill replied a little less than civilly. "I just don't give a damn!"

"You're the author's favorite character," Mary Sue explained (patiently, of course) for about the fifteenth time in the last half-hour. "That means you're supposed to fall in love with me." The only clue to Mary Sue's changing mood was the fact that her normally silver eyes were turning bright aqua blue. They always changed colors with her moods, but they were never boring or anything like that—they could be bright purple or shimmering silver or aqua blue or lime green. On second thought, scratch the lime green.

"Okay, explain to me again how this works?" Jack said, trying desperately to stay as far away from Mary Sue as he possibly could. She kept creeping closer and he kept creeping farther away. Sure, she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, but he just _didn't like Mary Sues!_

"Well, I'm a representation of all the author has ever wished she could be—beautiful, perfect, intelligent, skilled, exotic—and since she has a crush on you and thinks you're really cute, that means you're supposed to fall madly in love with me and we're supposed to get married and have lots of babies," Mary Sue said (patiently) in her silky, beautiful, captivating voice.

Jack practically gagged at the thought and surreptitiously pointed his gun toward Captain Mary Sue Davis. He'd protested until he was blue in the face to try to get the woman off his team, but how could you argue when she'd been placed there by express order from the President of the United States, and God?

"A _crush?"_ O'Neill's voice was incredulous. "That sounds like something teenagers get!"

"Well, um—" Mary Sue cleared her throat and looked at the floor of the large abandoned temple they were standing in. She didn't want to say anything bad about the author, and not just because she was so sweet and guileless that she never wanted to say anything bad about anyone; the author had after all created her, but there really wasn't any way around it. "That would be because she is a teenager."

"Oh, for cryin' out loud," Jack mumbled, beating his head against the wall a couple times for good measure. Why, oh why did the universe have it out for him? _Why_ did some teenage fanfiction writer have to think he was "cute"? 47-year-old battle-worn men weren't _cute_, damn it!

"God, save me," he whispered hopelessly as Mary Sue edged closer to him; then he remembered that she had been put on his team at God's order in the first place. "Apophis?" He said hopefully. "Hathor? Nirrti? The Creature from the Black Lagoon? Hitler? Senator Kinsey? Maybourne? One of those really ugly cockroach aliens that used weird devices to duplicate everybody at the SGC?"

Alas, no evil and diabolical villains appeared to take Mary Sue's attention away from her prey (O'Neill knew that if he could only get himself into a dangerous situation, Mary Sue would be compelled to save his life and would _hopefully_ die in the process).

Jack and Mary Sue both ignored Daniel's squeal of utter glee as he suddenly realized that the squiggles on the wall almost looked like a hybrid between ancient Kapahuatiliwawa writing and the Squibaterioid cuneiform they found on P3X-998, if he took off his glasses and looked at it upside down with his eyes squinted almost shut.

"Jack!" Daniel yelped, distracting Mary Sue for only a split second, but not nearly long enough for Jack to escape. "You've got to see this, it's amazing! You remember those little blue squid-shaped people we met on P3X-998 the planet where there was so much water and Sam fell into the lake and you had to pull her out but you fell in when you tried and I ended up pulling both of you out and we all got wet and ended up with colds and didn't get back to the SGC until two days after we were due back and General Hammond was really mad and you said it was Sam's fault and Sam said it was your fault and I said it was both of your fault and Teal'c didn't say anything at all 'cuz I think he was mad at both of you and he just raised one eyebrow really really high? Well, I think this writing could possibly be a hybrid between the Squibaterioid writing—you know, that's those people on P3X-998—and the ancient Kapahuatiliwawa people, who—"

"Help," Jack squeaked.

"—lived in what's now Hawaii years and years ago," Daniel continued blissfully, completely caught up in his new discovery. "You know those people who used to spend half the year worshipping the Mighty Frog God and they thought frogs were sacred and if you stepped on a frog your punishment was to be tied on a beach in monsoon season because that was certain death and if somebody stepped on a frog when it wasn't monsoon season they would be locked up until monsoon season and there's this story about the Kapahuatiliwawa ruler named Ogosmortietateiu whose daughter stepped on a frog but he loved her too much so he—"

Okay, no help from Daniel, Jack thought as he tried first to go through the wall like Daniel did after he looked into the eyes of that weird crystal skull. Jack soon discovered that it didn't work quite so well for people who were in ordinary form. He had a revelation almost as inspiring as the one that Daniel was still rattling on about: brick walls are really hard.

On to Plan B.

He tried to climb the wall.

Nah, that didn't work either; not enough handholds, and since Mary Sue had been rock climbing since she was 3 months old and could climb anything he'd never be able to get away from her anyway.

He began to wonder if it would _really_ be so bad to be court martialed for killing an officer under his command. Maybe he could convince them that it was an accident. "I tripped over Daniel's foot and accidentally pulled the trigger, General Hammond," he'd say, or, "Daniel was reminding me of that P3X-998 incident and it was so traumatizing that I had a flashback and thought Mary Sue was a lake."

"I wish Mary Sue was a lake," he muttered as he edged along the wall with Captain Davis in hot pursuit. "If she was I'd spit in her."

Mary Sue looked hurt by his thoughtless, mean, insulting words. Her expression was so sad that Anubis threw himself on his knees in front of her, begging to do anything to make her happy again. "I'll undestroy Abydos," he blubbered. "I'll bring Skaara back to life. I'll give you all my motherships and my Jaffa and all the planets I control."

Jack looked on in disgust—here a villain finally showed up, and he wasn't trying to kill Jack at all—he was too busy sucking up to Mary Sue. What a disgusting world!

Mary Sue gave Anubis a gentle smile, not seeming at all repulsed by his oily skin and face or lack of such, because after all she loves everyone and everyone loves her. Except, possibly, one Colonel Jack O'Neill.

And that was who Mary Sue was after.

She had to have him.

He was backed into a corner and he could tell Daniel wasn't going to be any help. He was still muttering about the squid people and King So-and-so (and so and so and so, with as many syllables as that guy had in his name) who was determined to save his daughter and how that begun such-and-such legend which was best known in Greek mythology and _Jack_, this is amazing! Daniel didn't seem to notice that Anubis was behind him bawling because Mary Sue didn't love him and Jack was just trying to get away.

"Daniel, _help_," Jack said firmly, but his words were drowned out by Daniel's continuing monologue about how King So-and-so-and-so-and-so-and-so might _also_ have been King Wanatutabatrikte of the legends of the ancient Suoicodalaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus people and that meant that the two were tied together somehow which meant that the Suoicodalaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus tribe must have visited Hawaii at some time or the Kapahuatiliwawa people _must_ have visited the mainland or—

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Jack was backed into a corner and he couldn't see help coming from anywhere, so he tried one last maneuver.

**_"DAMNED WELL GET AWAY FROM ME!"_**

Neither Jack nor Mary Sue nor Daniel nor Sam nor Teal'c nor anyone else in the universe had known it was possible to shout so loudly. Jack's yell was so awe-inspiringly loud that replicators several universes away heard it and began to migrate, in one of their supersupersuperfast ships, toward the planet SG-1 was currently exploring.

Mary Sue looked hurt and Anubis melted into a little puddle on the floor, which is what Jack had always suspected he would do anyway if somebody just took off that darn eerie cloak he was always wearing.

"Colonel O'Neill, why won't you love me?" Mary Sue asked poutily. She had the prettiest pout in the universe, of course, and her eyes turned a deep purple-green-blue-silver color. Jack thought it looked sort of like the day after he fed his dog an entire pack of multicolored chewing gum when he was a kid. That had been the coolest looking puke he'd ever seen. He would have fed the dog more chewing gum except that his dad hadn't let him. He frowned, momentarily distracted. He was still mad at his dad over that.

"Why?" Mary Sue asked, not altogether happy about being ignored. If it were possible for Mary Sue to get pissed off, one might think she was, but of course Mary Sue is far too perfect to be pissed off, so we'll just say she wasn't.

"Because you're annoying and way, way, way too perfect and you're _not real!"_

"She is too!" The author said, sounding offended.

Jack looked around the room, momentarily distracted from impending capture by the greatest foe he had ever met. "Who said that?" He asked.

"Uh, well—" The author sounded bashful because she really wasn't supposed to exist in the Stargate SG-1 universe, after all. That was what Mary Sue was for—she occupied the spot the author had always dreamed of having. "I'm the author."

"Oh, the author, eh? Mary Sue's alter-ego? Please tell me you're not as awful as her," Jack said with a pleading note in his voice. He was talking to _the author!_ She thought he was cute, after all—maybe if he made his eyes really, really big she'd take pity on him and make Mary Sue disappear in a great big "poof"—yeah, a "poof" would be good—

"It's not working, Jack," the author said with an exasperated sigh. "Yes, I think you're cute, but I can't actually see your eyes right now, since I'm just looking at the computer screen and typing, and _imagining_ your eyes doesn't have quite the same effect."

"Damn," Jack muttered. "Well, come on, couldn't you give me a break here? I mean, you've already made me get tortured by the Goa'uld, and shot by a Goa'uld, and hit by two staff weapon blasts at once, and you've even had me die two different times, and made Daniel think I committed suicide and hate me for it once!"

"Well—" the author sounded a little ashamed of her cruel, wicked, evil self.

_"Please,"_ Jack begged. He fell to his knees and began to cry. "Please, please, please, please, please—"

Colonel Jack O'Neill, tough Air Force Officer, was bawling.

Oy.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to happen," the author muttered angrily. Jack was supposed to fall in love with Mary Sue, and either they'd live happily ever after and have lots of adorable babies, or Mary Sue would die heroically saving his life and he would sob inconsolably at her graveside for weeks.

He wasn't supposed to end up on his knees blubbering next to the puddle that used to be Anubis, with Daniel still going on about King So-and-so-and-so-and-so-and-so in the background.

Jack O'Neill.

Blubbering.

Oy.

While the author was trying desperately to decide how to resolve the very sticky (literally, with the Anubis puddle in the floor) and somewhat insane situation she had found herself in, the replicators attracted by the sound of Jack's voice landed outside the temple and swarmed out of their ship, ignoring Sam and Teal'c who were standing guard outside. They wanted to find the source of that really cool noise they'd heard from nine thousand billion light millenniums away.

"Oh, goody!" The author said happily. "Now Mary Sue can die saving Jack's life!" She sat back to watch how her story played out.

Of course, as usual, things didn't go exactly how the author had envisioned. When the replicators streamed into the room in search of O'Neill, the first thing they saw was Mary Sue.

These ugly little spider bugs weren't human.

They didn't have to be, evidently.

Because every last freaking one of them fell in love with her.

Jack pointed his gun at the replicators, feeling a distinct sense of trepidation. They were making a noise he'd never heard from them before; maybe they were threatening him, _God please let them be threatening him!_

They weren't.

They were purring.

The replicators.

Were purring.

O'Neill screamed.

They didn't notice.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea began to form in Jack's mind. Everyone knew he had an insane aversion to bugs in general, and to replicators in specific. Conveniently ignoring the fact that they were far too enthralled by Mary Sue to show any aggression toward him, Jack lifted his P-90 and fired in a wide arc.

A very wide arc.

One that by complete chance and total accident happened to include Mary Sue.

She folded to the ground in mandatory slow motion, blood blossoming on the front of her shirt like a delicate rose, and stared up at the ceiling with her wide beautiful silver-blue eyes. Slowly and tragically she breathed her last breath.

The Asgard became an even more threatened race as half of them committed suicide, followed by every replicator in existence and two thirds of the Goa'uld System Lords.

"Oh no!" Jack shouted gleefully. "She's dead!" Spotting Daniel's utterly mortified look, he amended, "I'm sorry, I mean, _noooooo, she's dead! She can't be dead! Mary Suuuuuue!"_ He added a melodramatic sob at the end.

The author sighed and shook her head in exasperation. "Oh well," she muttered under her breath, "at least she managed to wipe out all the replicators, and two thirds of the System Lords."

Mary Sue had a beautiful funeral on a beautiful, cloudless day, with over three-fourths of the world's population in attendance. The remaining one-fourth wasn't there only because they couldn't really fit into the US.

Jack O'Neill said he was desperately sick with the flu, and stayed home from Mary Sue's funeral to have a rather loud celebratory party.

The author decided she liked Daniel.


	3. Noooooo! Part Three

**notes:** Mary Sue will not die so easily, pathetic mortals! She has returned to have her revenge! MWAHAHAHA! Oh, yeah, and this chapter has spoilers for _Serpent's Lair_, _Meridian_ and _Fallen_.

* * *

Daniel Jackson was in his lab, intently studying the latest squiggles—er, ancient and vitally important writing which would probably reveal both the secrets of life and a way to defeat the Goa'uld—that SG-1 had retrieved from a foreign planet—when _it happened_.

Up until _it happened_, Daniel had been having a pretty ordinary Tuesday night, really. Uh, make that a pretty ordinary Wednesday morning—Daniel had stayed up until 2 AM again, something he had started doing far too often.

The vitally important ancient writing was really cool, but Daniel shuddered to remember the events surrounding its discovery. Anubis melting, replicators falling in love, Jack screaming. And blubbering. And killing a beautiful young woman with fiendish glee.

Determined not to think of the disturbing-on-many-levels events of late, Daniel leaned back over the writing, studying it with his intense blue eyes.

And then...(drum roll)..._it happened_.

So we already said that. So what. Get over it!

Anyway, back to _it_, which in our story timeline was currently _happening_. Daniel's first clue that something strange was occurring was the gentle and mandatorily beautiful glow filling the room. His second clue was that a stunning and strangely familiar young woman was standing in front of him. The third clue was that she was standing in his desk. Not on it or under it...in it. She was standing there glowing benevolently as if it was the most normal thing in the universe to stand in a desk and glow benevolently.

"That's strange," Daniel mumbled, still immersed in the many adventures of King Wanna-hocka-lugi. "I was sure no one could get in here."

His door was, after all, locked. And barricaded with heavy furniture. And welded shut. And surrounded by one of those nifty force field thingies. And guarded by seven very large and fierce Jaffa.

Dr. Daniel Jackson needed privacy while he worked. Lots of privacy.

This beautiful, radiant, glowing, serene, wondrous, lovely, ravishing woman was _really_ beginning to get on Daniel's nerves, so he looked up directly into her face, momentarily forgetting the fascinating tale of King Wanna-hocka-lugi, whose goal in life had been to win a spitting contest.

The world stood still.

No, literally. It stood still.

With the small exception of a juvenile lizard deep in the Amazon rainforest, who for some reason was immune to the world-standing-still principle and made good use of his opportunity to knock off all the other juvenile lizards who had been tormenting him most of his life, thus beginning an illustrious career as the most infamous lizard serial killer in Amazon history.

Which of course has nothing to do with our story.

Daniel was falling in love. He couldn't help it. The woman's beauty, grace, serenity, humility, splendor, magnificence, and all-around glowiness were overwhelming his senses.

Then, with a shock, an actual shock because he had just inadvertently stuck a fork into an electrical socket, Daniel realized who this vision of glowiness was.

He screamed.

The seven big Jaffa guarding his door were unaffected, having learned from experience that Dr. Jackson sometimes did strange things, such as reciting the first four books of the Bible backward in Croatian. Perhaps he had just discovered that High Princess Shabalatiugalahan had been fed to alligators four thousand years ago. It was really none of their concern, although the glow coming from his lab was quite...groovy. Tubular, even.

"Captain Mary Sue Davis!" Daniel gasped, finally managing to pry himself free from the electrical outlet, unaware that his seemingly accidental act of shocking himself senseless had in fact been the heroic attempt of his subconscious to kill him before he could fall into the clutches of (gasp!) Mary Sue.

"I thought Jack killed you," Daniel said, unconsciously speaking in Farsi, which was no problem for Captain Davis because she spoke pretty much every language that had ever existed. "I mean, it's not like I hoped he had killed you or anything. I just _thought_ he had. I _did_ attend your funeral." He slipped into German, followed by Greek and finally an obscure dialect of Goa'uld.

"Yes, you attended my funeral," Mary Sue said, her voice melodious and alluring and musical and harmonious. If at all possible, her glowingness actually made her more beautiful than she had been before. Her face suddenly took on a sad cast, causing every tree within 273 miles to immediately shed its leaves out of sympathy for her innocent grief, and both Teal'c and his symbiote to burst into hysterical sobs in the midst of kel'no'reem. "But you did not seem at all sad, Daniel," Mary Sue added, "and you in fact stood up to announce, Ding dong, the witch is dead'."

Daniel gulped and backpedaled, bumping into his desk and breaking several priceless and several million year old artifacts. "Yes, but I meant that in a good—er, sad—way!" He said desperately, then attempted to change the subject away from any topic which might make Mary Sue feel like frying him with that really wicked lightning. "How are you here? I saw you die with my very own eyes!"

"I escaped from the ship by Stargate just before it exploded," Mary Sue responded promptly, then got an expression on her face. If it were possible for her to become confused, one might say her expression was one of confusion, but of course it's not possible for her to become confused, so she definitely wasn't. "Oh, wait," she added, "sorry, that was Apophis and Klorel." If it were possible for her to make a mistake, one might say she had, but it isn't, so she definitely hadn't. "I ascended, Daniel," Mary Sue explained melodiously and harmoniously. "After all, everyone loves me, including Oma Desala and at least eleven extremely evil terrorists, and I'm sweet and perfect and gentle with an open mind and good will toward all, so it was a very simple process to ascend."

"If you've ascended and all that, why aren't you—wherever the ascended go?" Daniel asked, unable to remember exactly what it was that ascended beings did all the time, since his good buddy Oma had done the sweet little memory wiping thing before dropping him embarrassingly naked on some weird planet.

"I have been sent with a very important message," Mary Sue replied gently and sweetly, her glow becoming brighter and even more...psychedelic. Far out, even.

"If the cat is on fire, and the dog, despite being brown, does not chase it, then know this: the moon will certainly not be purple until all rivers have been returned to their rightful owner. This broadcast is presented by the authority of the office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form and the accounts and descriptions of this broadcast may not be disseminated without express written consent," Mary Sue said. Melodiously.

Daniel blinked.

Twice.

Then he screamed.

And ran for the door.

Which, unfortunately, was so protected that not only was it impossible for an outside party to enter, it was equally impossible for Daniel himself to escape. He zapped himself on the force field five times before it finally occurred to him that this was not the way to free himself.

Mary Sue stood by patiently, pouting beautifully as she watched her latest prey attempt to escape. Daniel was now the subject of the author's latest crush, and therefore, Mary Sue must somehow cause him to fall in love with her. They could then settle down together and have lots of adventures and beautiful babies.

She'd been awfully close at one point; he had nearly fallen in love with her. If only he hadn't attempted to electrocute himself. Men tended to do such drastic things when confronted with the prospect of spending eternity with her. Things like killing her. Or themselves. She couldn't figure it out; she was beautiful! And perfect! And pretty much all around marvelous!

"And annoying!" Jack's voice said from the back of the room.

Due to a rather large plot hole, or possibly a previously undiscovered ability to walk through force fields and metal doors and heavy furniture, Jack had suddenly appeared in the room, armed with his P-90 and ready to finish what he'd started back on P-whatever whatever whatever.

Damn, but he looked cute in his green BDU's. His hair was kinda unruly and he had the most beautiful dark brown eyes. The author leaned her chin on her hand and gazed at him speculatively. No two ways about it, he may have serious Mary Sue issues, but he was dang well gorgeous. Completely gorgeous. Really nice butt, too.

Jack shrieked in horror.

And disappeared.

The author shrugged; well, she'd helped him discover his new magical abilities of disappearance, hadn't she? Or maybe Thor had beamed him up to save him from a fate worse than death, namely being chased across the galaxy by Mary Sue because the author had fallen back in love with him, but that was completely beside the point.

Daniel, having felt the stirring of hope with the sudden and completely unexpected appearance of his mother hen/big brother/best friend/frequent protector, found himself horrifically alone and at the mercy of Ascended Mary Sue, who was if at all possible even more frightening than Non-Ascended Captain Mary Sue Davis.

Daniel did the only thing he could do under the circumstances.

He shot the large glass window which had magically appeared in his lab, then jumped through in a shower of powdery white glass particles.

The Kelownan scientists looked up from their naquadria bomb, their expressions sheepish. "Oops," one of them said, just before dying in agony. "Sorry, wrong episode. You must have stumbled across one of those time thingies, dude, because you're so back in season five."

"NOOOOO!" Daniel screamed in horror. "This is the one where I ascended, and if I ascend, I'll have to be with Mary Sue _for eternity!"_

The author smiled evilly.

Daniel saw his one last opportunity. The bomb was starting to get really wiggy and in a few minutes it would totally wipe out bunches of innocent Kelownans, and there was no way Daniel was going to sacrifice himself this time. Not if it meant eternally being with Her Glowiness Mary Sue The Melodious-Voiced Ascended.

"Mary Sue!" He turned toward her, his expression suitably frantic. "The bomb! You have to help us! If you don't heroically and selflessly sacrifice your own life, lots of people will die, and that would be really selfish of you and totally not in keeping with your total perfection!"

"You're right," Mary Sue replied bravely, and turned herself back into mortal form so she could actually grab the bomb. Showing a great deal of courage, daring, fearlessness, valor, and selflessness, she disarmed the bomb, but didn't die a horrible and messy death afterward, which would have been very un-Mary Sue like. Her skin remained clear and radiant and unblemished; she merely crumpled to the floor and perished with beautiful courage.

The rest of the Goa'uld system lords killed themselves. As did 9,438 clams, fifteen surviving Nazi war criminals and twenty-nine angels.

Jack magically reappeared and threw his arms around Daniel as both of them cried tears of relief.

Mary Sue was gone.

For good...?

The author smiled evilly.


End file.
